I lied

In the post before my last I was writing some sort of fake news article when I lost steam, cut it short, and promised a continuation. Well, I lied. I probably would have added to it at some point, had I not discovered SCP, a mock catalog of paranormal objects, much in the style of Warehouse 13 (sans campiness and with a good measure of horror). As a result, I've decided to create a new blog, or wikipage, or something, in a similar manner. This is completely spur of the moment, and requires much planning, so efforts will be directed there rather than this pointless debacle. Don't get me wrong, I'll probably continue as I have here with the odd post, void of context or form, but there likely won't be anything so long as aforementioned fake news article I was planning on.

And even if I don't bother turning my little SCP-like project into something finalized, I'm still interested in writing some reports for fun. I swear, some people have no idea what an official report even remotely looks like. Yes it's tedious, and has less of an imaginative appearance, but SCP loses a lot of its immersion with its tendency to use improper grammar and unprofessional inflection in its "reports." So best case scenario, I make something cool on my own, worst case scenario I submit something a little more believable to their site.

Anyway, I'm out. Peace.

Not that I'm complaining, but...

What's with all the Russians?

Shit's getting serious...

Yesterday I learned that a mere 63.14% of infants born in the United States posses a soul. And of the other 36.86%? As it turns out, their bodies are normally left to the elements, in the fashion of the Spartans. Many die within days, exposure, hungry animals, and necrophiliac pedophiles being the leading causes of mortality. There is a small percentage, however, who defy odds (or rather, account for Darwinism), who make it. What happens to these soulless creatures, out in the wild with nothing but a soggy diaper and a Satanic talisman to protect them? Until recently few could say for sure, and those with the knowledge had scarcely the means to communicate the ordeal. But thanks to German anthropologist, Hershel Scheizfhurer, scientists have gleamed information that very well alter our notion of existence as we know it.

The process begins with a sacrifice. After dark, upon the rising of the full moon, the goat people will emerge from the shadows, bearing daggers and spears of bone, as well as large bags of sinewy netting. After stalking their prey in groups of 5-10, they will return to their hidden villages with their prizes of these soulless babies, which they refer to as Kruu'Gthxar. Normally the Kruu'Gthxar are quite weak at this point, and provide little resistance (the weapons more of a ceremonial instrument, harkening back to the days when roaming demons would compete for the valuable commodity).

[to be continued...]

...

Yes, I am that lazy.

In the meantime, karma!

Powerpuff Girls Petitioning Law To Limit School Funding

I sit here as my mind melts from my ear, solidifies, grows legs, and walks to the corner. It crouches, a predator, jagged teeth pressed against a wicked smile. It stalks through the jungle of cords hanging from my desk, climbing up the Ethernet cable like a monkey on a vine. Up the ledge of my computer tower, it hangs low and eyes its prey. It waits for the right moment before pouncing on the mouse, gaining control instantly. I see my brain drag the mouse around, satisfaction with each sudden swoop and a blow to the head. Another one down.

Source: http://facemeltingfilms.com

Snoop Dogg detained by snooping dog

In world news, treasured American artist Snoop Dogg was detained in Norway for, of all things, not declaring his cannabis in customs and having too much money.

Source: http://www.guardian.co.uk

On a completely unrelated note. To those of you viewing this blog: who the fuck uses internet explorer nowadays? Come on, it's 2012. Upgrade to Firefox, or Chrome, or telegraph.

About last night...

I'd delete and re-work last night's posts, but frankly I'm too lazy. Just know that around midnight is when my mind starts acting funny. And to the zero people who follow me; expect weird shit at weird hours.

If you're on this blog and actually reading it, you're likely very bored. "What should I do?" says you. Well... it's never too early for alcohol. But if that's not an option... I recommend reading up on Bill Murray. This dude is a BAMF. Just check out this story I pulled from imgur:

This man oozes class

Gallery

Welcome to my newest post! Thanks to the marvel of mobile technology, this post has been brought to you from the comfort of my toilet. Take a moment to consider the fact that I am spewing shit from my fingers and rectum simultaneously. Let it sink in, much as my feces to the bottom of the bowl. I'd take a picture but sadly I left my phone in my room, and using the webcam on my netbook would just be... weird.

Anyway... here's a picture of a tiny treasure chest filled with beer bottle caps and a raccoon skull!

Taken with my handy dandy potato

Following is some "art" I have composed:

Unfinished mage (it's finished irl but I was too lazy to upload a new pic)

A particular type of moth that burrows into the eyes of its sleeping victim

An officer of the law

A cute bunny, totally not being strangled by my penis

 

Santa Claus needs a new diaper

Finally, a glimpse of freedom. Taken from a newspaper today. I have no idea when the paper was published.

Now accepting donations in the form of narcotics